At the forefront of my mind this week are thoughts of my Aunt M.

She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last fall and the treatment hasn’t worked. She’s been moved into hospice care. We found out earlier this week that they figure she has about a month left to live. 

My siblings and I are all driving the 2 and a half hours up north to see her this weekend.

It’s scary how many of my close relatives have had cancer. My dad’s mom died of cancer when he was still a teenager. My mom’s uncle had cancer. My mom’s sister had cancer. Now my dad’s sister. Considering that my family has never been very large… that’s a large portion of relatives.

I hate that my small family is shrinking.

S asked me if I was close with her. I found it a difficult question to answer. It’s yes… and no… but that’s how it’s always been with my relatives.

My parents grew up in dirt poor broken homes in a tiny little town in northern Minnesota. It was the kind of situation that no one expects you to come out of. However, my parents worked hard to get away and make a better life for themselves and their kids… and they succeeded.

I grew up not having a super close relationship with any of my relatives because my parents didn’t have a close relationship with any of my relatives.

But I still had a relationship with them. Aunt M would come down for the holidays and she always liked playing games with us. We’d sit at the table and she’d teach us a new card game… and then she’d cheat to make sure she always won. She always had little, cheap, thrift store type presents in her suitcase that she’d give us kids during her visit. She has a crazy obsession with iced tea. She’s an epileptic and sometimes it was scary when she’d have seizures. She’s weird and I love her and I always look forward to her visits.

No, we aren’t best friends. I really only ever got to see her on holidays. But that doesn’t mean I love her any less or that it’s any less devastating to know that she’ll soon be gone. I don’t want to lose her from my life.

She could live longer than a month. She could live less. There’s no way to really know I don’t think. But chances are pretty good that this weekend will be the last opportunity I have to spend time with her. I’m hoping to get up there… have dinner with her… and then have us kids sit down and play some cards with her. I just want her to know that whatever our relationship has been… she has helped shape me and my life… and that I love her. <3

I finally got around to starting my brand new Robert Downey Jr. fangirl blog. I figured it would be best to keep the fangirling all contained to one blog. I think I’m happy with it. We’ll see what happens.

Oh right, here’s the link if anyone cares: http://fangirlsquee.tumblr.com

I’m starting my new second job next week. She has me down for like, 24 hours. I’m working Memorial weekend… so I’m hoping that’s the reason for the extra hours (I really want to aim for less than 20 a week). Hopefully I can manage staying awake that long. 5:30am-12:30pm on Saturday and Sunday… that’s crazy. I’m nervous about my sleep schedule, my ability to stay awake, my blood pressure, and how quickly I’ll be able to catch on to the job… a lot has changed since I last worked there. I am excited though too… and I really hope this job is everything I need it to be. Hopefully it won’t feel like the workload is too much. 60+ hours a week sounds like a lot but I keep telling myself it won’t be so bad considering I work 40 of those in bed. :P I REALLY need the extra money. Hopefully the extra paycheck will be enough to help me stay on track for paying down my debt.

I really need to cook myself something to eat. I have things to make a bacon cheeseburger wrap… but I didn’t get around to cooking it on my lunch break. I haven’t eaten anything but a sugar-free jello and a slice of cheese all day. I wish I had my own personal chef. :P

I follow so few people that posts rarely match up like this. Hm… Paris… that does sound like a good idea. :P

I’m not going to lie, this made me think of S… even though I don’t think I’m to the point of throwing around the L-word with him… but still… our weirdness seems pretty compatible and that is particularly why I like him. I had a fantastic time with him this weekend. My favorite part was laying next to him, cuddling, and playing this super fun nerdy card game on his iPad with him. That was the best. :)

Robert Downey Jr in Esquire Magazine May 2012

I couldn’t resist.

Happy Fist Bump Friday FatColin!

• I was woken up with a phone call from the manager of the Caribou Coffee I applied to. She offered me a job! Hopefully I’ll be starting in the next couple of weeks. I’m excited and I hope this works out as well as I need it to. A little extra money every month will surely help towards getting me back on my financial feet.
• I made a run to Target to do some grocery shopping. The worst of it was all the construction going on around the store. It took me an hour when usually it only takes 15 minutes. It didn’t help that a woman’s car broke down in the one lane that was open. I admit, there was much cursing that took place in my car. I went in for bacon and came out with a few extra goodies…

• I decided to celebrate my new job by taking myself to see The Avengers (my third viewing) this afternoon. I’m so impressed by how well it was done. I look forward to seeing it several more times while it’s still in theaters!
• I’m suppose to be meeting S’s mom tomorrow. She’s coming down for a visit due to Mother’s Day being on Sunday and S invited me over. I’m also going to be meeting his 4 year old niece. I’ve only ever met two of my ex’s parents. In the almost 5 years with my ex-husband I only spent MAYBE 5 hours with his parents (they didn’t even come to the wedding). Hopefully tomorrow goes well and his mom doesn’t end up hating me or something. Although, really… how could anyone hate me?! I’m all levels of awesome.
• Speaking of the ex, he texted me tonight. Out of the blue he said he felt obligated to fill me in on what’s been going on with his truck repossession. Apparently the collectors have been sending him letters and calling him too… which is good to hear. I thought it was just me they were annoying. There’s nothing that can be done about the money still owed on the loan… I’m not paying it and he said he can’t pay it… so whatever. I’m not going to worry about it. I told him so and wished him a happy birthday (it’s on Sunday). He asked how I was and I told him everything’s going well. He said he’s been fine too. That was about all the conversation we had. It was a reminder of how far I’ve come in the last year… how much happier I am now. Not because of S. Not because my life got magically fixed. Not because I’m rolling in the moneys. Not because I’ve lost weight. But because I’ve put in a hell of a lot of work to rebuild ME and my life. I’m happy because I’ve found worth in ME. I’ve found beauty in ME. I’ve found success in ME. I’m stronger and better because I’ve worked hard to find that strength and awesomeness in ME. It took me losing everything to find out exactly what I had in ME. And damn I’m awesome.

Today I am happy.

As I was the day before.

Tomorrow I’ll be happy too.

Sometimes it’s not easy.

Sometimes it’s okay to not be happy.

But each day you have the chance to try again.

Today I am happy.

Not because life is perfect or easy.

But because I choose to be.